I wonder if a large stone in a riverbed can be said to have the experience of just being immersed therein! Can we say that this particular stone has more experience to be under the river than another stone thrown in it sometime later? This question got me thinking when I recently bought myself a second hand car manufactured at a date when dinosaurs roamed the earth! I hold a clean driving licence issued 10 years ago when I turned 21. I went to a driving school which of course has a motto saying: ‘Guaranteed pass!’ I have thought all schools should have such a motto, simply because that way, we shall have a population hundred per cent graduate.
The tired phrase of ‘Vision 2030’ shall become a reality if schools were tuned to become like driving schools. There were some 36 of us in that school at the time of the exam and we had of course paid for the ‘guaranteed pass’ and all the policemen invigilating the exams loved us. We made all the mistakes possible but all that was excused with a pat on the back. One person had refused to pay for the ‘guaranteed pass’ on the grounds that he is a born-again Christian. He could drive and all he needed was certification from the authorities.
He did everything right till we reached the board. He was given a miniature car and ordered to take it to some street and park it. This was not possible since it couldn’t just be done. Our Christian told the great officer that the task was impossible and that is how he failed! We who had paid for the ‘guaranteed pass’ were just told to move the little car two millimetres ahead and we passed with flying colours.
Our Christian rushed back to the driving school to complain about the officers and they reminded him of the guarantee! The poor fellow needed the driving licence to get a sales job which he craved for and thus, he had to shove the Messiah behind and pay for the ‘guaranteed pass’. This time round he had to pay double and the officer in charge told him, “Hata kama wewe ni Patrick Njiru usipolipa hapa utafeli!”
It was a great piece of advice which I suppose this lover of the saviour understood well and has kept in his religious heart to date. After the ‘guaranteed pass’, I never drove anybody’s car but just like the large stone in the river bed, I kept amassing experience and renewing my licence religiously just like the born-again salesman. Since I was not driving, I of course caused no accident at all thus my driving licence was as clean as a whistle. I was just waiting for an advert which says an organisation requires a fellow with 10 years driving experience and a clean driving licence.
I would of course land the job and then puzzle out how to drive. A few weeks ago my brand-new second hand came into the picture and I forked out my rather new driver’s licence and got behind the wheels. That is when reality dawned on me about the guaranteed pass that I had purchased! I just couldn’t balance the car on the road and I have now become the terror of the neighbourhood. All children melt away behind trees and large walls whenever I get into the car!
They somehow know instinctively that I am a very experienced driver who went through a guaranteed pass school. The first day I blundered into my own house through the front door when I wanted to reverse! I realised the mistake immediately and tried to brake but I stepped on the gas and frightened my wife into a scream. I got out of the house in a huff and blamed Japanese technology, when I got to the road I saw my wife crossing herself on the side view mirror; she crossed herself in the catholic manner even though she is a multiple born- again Christian who goes to church everyday of the week! That scared me big-time.
When I got to the main road, I wanted to indicate the direction I was turning to but I only succeeded in putting on the headlights in broad daylight. That bothered me and as I was trying to fiddle with the stem in order to switch them off, I managed to switch on the wipers. They startled me and I momentarily lost control and stepped on the gas and brakes at the same time stopping short of pasting a mkokoteni and it’s pusher upon a perimeter wall some 20 feet away from the road!
It was getting hectic and I was sweating like a horse. It dawned on me that driving must be the hardest job on earth after begging! I left in a huff and joined the road again with my head lamps on and the wiper dancing on the windshield like a mad robot on a hot sunny afternoon. I wanted to put on the hazard lights but I just couldn’t figure out where to press! Humiliating manner It is in this humiliating manner that I reached my destination some five kilometres to the north coast. I double parked the car for fear of scratching the others.
One askari did not like it so he told me to move the car and give space to other drivers wishing to park. I calmly gave him the keys and he did it for me. It was shameful. I put the car keys in my pocket because I think it is shameful to dangle keys in your hand or put them upon a table when you are in company. It looks like an advertisement of success; a pettiness of thought a silly method of seducing the opposite sex! When the meeting was over and I had forgotten all about my afternoon misery, I said goodbye to the organisers and promptly jumped into a taxi.
Just when we had covered two kilometres, the conductor asked for the fare and what do I find in my pocket… the car keys! It dawned on me that I had forgotten my car at the hotel parking! It was getting dark! How I drove back home is a story I do not wish to share. All I can say dear reader is that there is a brand-new second-hand car for sale and any interested party should contact me asap! Guaranteed pass may kill me
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