Nowadays, if you want to know how your friends are faring in their relationships, simply go to their Facebook page. Their status update will tell you whether there is trouble in paradise, or whether the marital waters are calm.
Those who are in good terms with their spouses will probably have posted something mushy like this, “Ever since I met you, my life has become a bed of roses; you complete me.” A few days later, depending on the temperature at home, this might be replaced with a phrase like this, “The only unconditional love you will ever get is from your mother…asante ya punda in mateke.”
Once social media checked in, what goes on in intimate relationships stopped being sacred. Nowadays, couples have no qualms about having rows in public, in full view of relatives, friends, and strangers.
If someone tapped you on your shoulder, only for you to turn around and realise that it is a stranger, most probably, you will quickly take a step back, ready to dismiss whatever he will say or ask you, convinced that he is a con artist, even when all he wants to ask is direction.
And yet we call radio stations every day with our relationship problems expecting helpful advice from people we have never met, anonymous voices that are only interested in raising their show’s ratings, voices that know next to nothing about relationships.
It is a fact that we all go through difficult phases at some point in our lives.
PROBLEM SHARED, PROBLEM HALVED
A popular cliche goes that a problem shared is a problem halved. Along the way, when conflict comes knocking, something that is inevitable in all relationships, the ‘aggrieved’ partner looks for someone to confide in, probably in an effort to find a solution, or to simply find the relief, no matter how small, that comes with sharing our predicaments.
Normally, confidantes are those in one’s close circles, the few you can always turn to for a shoulder to lean on, expecting to get a positive solution to your problem.
But this circle of confidants has grown a hundred times over, thanks to our many ‘friends’ in social media.
But the question is, why do many of us feel the need to open up to strangers about frustrations in our lives, people you have never met, and only know about because you pressed the accept button to a friend request on Facebook?
What makes you think that your former classmates in your high school WhatsApp group are the best candidates to tell you how to deal with your cheating spouse?
Robert Kimeu is not a fan of movies, he belongs to the strange group that cannot follow a movie from start to finish, but he can stay online for hours, not contributing to debates, rather, going through what others have written, purely for entertainment.
“The things people disclose about themselves!” he exclaims in disbelief, adding that he does not understand why people feel the need to expose intimate facts about themselves on social media.
“Why, for instance, would you insult your spouse online, no matter what he has done to you? Or taunt and threaten them? That only invites ridicule, not only towards him or her, but towards you too,” he says.
Sheila Wachira, a marriage counselor, agrees.
“Sharing your issues in public is bound to invite various opinions, which, in most cases, may not represent the perspective of your partner. Social media is a court of public opinion where the defendant has little or no opportunity to defend himself,” she points out.
You also expose deep and personal issues that should be kept between the two of you, and perhaps one or two people who you trust.
The counselor adds that couples who give each other the silent treatment when they have a fight, instead of talking about it, are more likely to discuss their dissatisfaction with just about anyone who cares to listen. In most cases, these are the same people who are likely to moan about their spouses and how bad they are on social media.
“This is motivated by unresolved hurt or anger. Such people feel an overwhelming need to vent, but since they are not talking to their spouse, the next best outlet becomes FM stations and social media such as Facebook,” explains Ms Wachira, who further adds that most of the people who talk about their personal issues in public are running away from accountability.
“They do not want to account for their mistakes or take responsibility for playing a part in the challenges they are going through, hence the reason they are quick to only share their side of the story.”
In relationships, problems follow the tested cause and effect model. Many times, the aggrieved feel the need to get back at their partners, humiliate them or injure their character.
“Today, many radio stations and social media groups offer a ready platform to anyone who feels wronged to vent their anger, but unfortunately, one is not likely to get expert advice from such forums.”
Every profession, say Linda Amollo, a relationship counselor, has quacks, so it is advisable to seek help from trained individuals.
“They will not only ensure that the environment is ideal, away from the glare of cameras, but will also guide them through conflict resolution with a follow through using an established, tested and effective framework.”
“Keep private matters private. It is embarrassing to reprimand your spouse in public. The more effective route would be to address those issues with a professional counselor, mentor or a third party whom you both respect. The damage from such exposure could be far-reaching, and is likely to thwart any chance of a reconciliation.”
To preserve your dignity, as well as that of the offender, handle your conflict away from the glare of the media, children, peers and your extended family. Granted, your ‘friends’ on social media might side with you, sympathise with you, and even join you in shaming your spouse, but this will only give you temporary satisfaction, and is not a solution to your problems
The media’s role is to educate, entertain and inform, but above that, it is a commercial enterprise, so do not trust everything you hear in the various media channels.
Listening to most of our radio stations, especially in the morning and in the evening, there is a running theme – relationships. The topics mostly discussed are sex and infidelity. Some listeners openly confess to cheating on their spouses, while others call to shame their spouses for cheating on them. However, no advice is offered. They just vent, and then hang up. Do they benefit in any way?
If laughter is the best medicine though, couples at war have managed to keep their eager audience entertained. Normally when such debates are going on, if you travel by matatu, it is common to hear bouts of laughter from other passengers, while those who pretend not to be listening try to hide their grins. Do the callers laugh with us at themselves?
Though such confessions offer comic relief, those who should know say that going public with intimate issues may not necessarily give you the desired results. In fact, what you manage to achieve is set yourself up for ridicule, and the possibility of completely destroying a relationship you were not keen on ending.
So, before you post anything negative about your relationship on social media, think again. Also remember that your community of sympathisers might not give you the expert advice that you need, but will most likely make fun of the rant you made out of anger.
Rather than go public with your ‘beef’ confront your pain first. The first step involves talking to your spouse, or whoever has wronged you, in private.
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